perfect world

what is your..saddest movie....?

for me was "the perfect world".. starring kevin costner. and clint eastwood
...... i wasn't sure why it touches my feeling so much..... but it was the first time i cried  watching a movie......

plus...i did something very stupid.....i watched it 3 times....with 3 different girls....making me cried 3 times...

so the movie is haunting me...... that is the drawback of  having 3 girlfriend at the same times......if your luck really sucks....they want the same things....at around the same time....hehehe

well  titanic was a distance second because it almost make me cried....that dumb bitch....if i was jack..i would push her into the water and climb on the board myself......

but half the cinema  cried..including this badass  looking guy who looks like a gang banger...  but cried like a  baby  during that scene.....seriously dude.....  i can make a grown man cried if you happen to catch the right movie..in the right environment..

collecting memories

dont you just love the outdoor........

during my college years....i spent a lot of time travelling...well...i love to find new experience....
i love camping...hiking and outdoor activities...it makes me feel like a true man......

the beaches....the mountains...the stream......are so beautiful....and mother nature tend to seduce you with her peaceful charm...   mmmm life with just basic necessity...is amazing

if i didn't have any responsibility i would probably...live alone...near a beach somewhere.... no cell phone...no debt...  nobody to care for...just you and mother nature.

nowadays most people tend to forget the basic skills of being a human....... modern society...tend to

substitute...skills with money.....  if you want a house....you dont have to built it....you can take our a mortgage and buy one....

if you want to eat chicken...just go to the market and buy one.....

food ....shelter...clothing....  do the people in the modern world....really know....how to make..or get them...?

what if one day...the structure in the modern society crumble...and we had to go back to basic...will they survive...?

i spent a week....in an island  call the kapas island(cotton island)...  it was sureal..... beautiful... still raw...and only minor intervention by the modern world... we slept on the beach...catch fishes  for dinner.... swim and exploring the island...it was a week vacation in heaven.... and at night.... you can see the ocean..and the starry sky....and forget all the wars...and hectic of the modern world....

the only sad thing about it..is when we have to leave..

i'll be there again ....soon

fear or not to fear

do they fear me...?

i have a kindda notorious reputation..which i was not sure how i got it.....

during my high school years..i was a sportsman...i just love..physical sports...i'm a very good rugby player playing the fly half...and being the un official leader of the team

i was the goal keeper of the soccer team...a good handball player.....and other things.... so when you are in an all male boarding school... you become...a very outstanding and popular student....but in my case in a negative way...

me on the right(overcoat)

because i'm a sports man...people think of me as a somewhat tough guy and some of the guys who are kind of a weakling..tend to be close to me so that they won't get bullied. well i hate seeing guys get bullied so....i keep most of them safe..... so my reputation build up from there. because i have some sort of"influence"...group started to form around me....other guys started to be close to me...creating a..gang.. and before you know it... people fear us... especially me..whom people assume to be the leader....  believe me...i never wanted that kind of reputation.

its not that i dont like it..and i'm kindda good at being a leader.... but this reputation will caused a great problem in my final year there....

and i will see the saddess face  from my father..

because i was considered the leader....other gang and teacher tend to target me...for whatever reason.. even though its a tough world..i tend to be able to come out right until... my final year....

i was a great delinquent ...i never get caught......but because i was targeted by so many people..... my downfall..will come from others....

one night...one of my underlings woke me up...and ask permission..to call some juniors that need to be "straighten" ... i gave the green light ..but somehow..things got out of control....and it became....a total beat up.....   i never lay a hand on any junior....ever...  because ..i could never fight someone who is weaker than me...it is bullying..my absolute..no no....

the next day.....i was called into the boardroom...were the teacher..gang up and beat me....no one was aware that i didn't do anything...but i guess as the leader...i was blame for it.

i was kick out of the most prestigious school in the country..because.of that...14 other guys....had similar fate   and on the way home(my dad pick me up).. i saw...my father's face.....it was a level 4....

he was sad.... and i was...sad....and scared..... sad  because i disappoint him.

movies...and me

i'm a movie buff...

beside anime..comic books. and novels..........i'm a movie buff.... although most of the time..i'm alone (even when i'm married) i still watch...and bought a bunch of dvd's...(because going to the movie alone..is pathetic)

there are a few outstanding movies...in the past several decades....

i guess...the you that touches my heart..is the one that i can relate with.... maybe...i wanna be the main character..or the hero has similar trait with me.....

however...my taste...in film might be a little bit peculiar to some people......but watching movies sometimes..help me forget the cruel world that we live in....well at least for a few hours...

one of my favourite movie...is ..."the fight club"

starring brad pitt...and edward norton....two of hollywood...nobility...

the film...is about this guy with his alter ego.....and it touches on the important aspect of our life...plus the action is quite good too

i may have some similar traits..with those character.......like for instance...i was an insurance investigator..... i love to fight..occasionally.....and i dont think...you should judge a man  by the content of his wallet .....

there are several great quotes from the movie....

watch it...you might get hooked like me.....and you might even learn something from it

by the way....i'm on my 45th time watching it.....

mom saddess face

the first time i saw it....

thew first time my mom..experience the infinite sadness, was in 1989....it was  when my oldest brother died

my oldest brother..the great military intelligence officer in the malaysian army...he was the top student in the asia pacific region while attending the army intelligence school in Australia and has a very bright future..destine to be at least a general.... he was the toughest guy and a leader at his high school a boarding school in the northern part of the country.. he was excellent in sports.... and a great son .

he was kind and always...nice to his younger siblings.....he was loved by everybody and was extremely tight with my second brother....they grew up together as they were only 1 year apart...

capt tajul ariffin

in 1989....he got married..through an arrange marriage set up by my parents..(err...i guess he is not a ladies man ...like my second brother..)

i was great...the first one of my siblings to get married.....i was assigned to be the family cameraman....(oh yeah..i was good in taking photo) i capture...almost every aspect of the moment...i was great....

a week after the wedding... he went back to his army base in Serawak. to settle a few things...and brings my new sister in law...closer to him.....exactly 44 days after the wedding.. as i was hanging out in my classroom(i was back in my boarding school) i was suddenly visited by 10 of my friends from taiping...at night.

the minute i saw them..i knew..something bad has happened....... the first question i asked them was is it my father..?  is it my mother...? expecting them to tell me...its one of them.

it was my brother....at that moment...i went blank...

he was involved in a mission with his general and a few of the top army brass...when their helicopter crash in the middle of the borneo jungle.... he died instantly

the funeral was grander than his wedding...and we realize that he was a really important person in the army... my parents was in tears...and a saw it.....  the face of infinite sadness.....it was on my parents..

my mom.... couldn't speak for around 2 years....she was in a state of infinite sadness.... and we have no idea..on how to help her..  it was really terrible....

and furthermore... my brother died on her birthday....

she took an unpaid leave for several months after the accident...and requested an early pension from the education minister....

she just loss the will to live...   people told me losing a son is much worst than losing a parents.....it was...not a normal thing.... and the sadness will be multiplied by a million. it was a level 4...and at a very dangerous level

although i was..feeling a level 3 myself.....but seeing my mom like that....is not something that you want to experience more than once...

RIP...my big bro..olong.. we miss you

a novel

i love reading......

i guess reading is still the best therapeutic  method in the world..... it lets your imagination runs wild...with seeing any visual things. my mom is the one who teaches me how to read....i guess i was 4 or 5 years old  when she sat me down on her lap...and taught me how to read... it was a spiderman comic strip..in our local newspaper.... i was addicted to comic books when i was 6...and move on to detective novels....enid blyton's, the hardy boys, ...i read every novel...in my elementary school library...(it wasn't a big library)
i read at least 1 novel per day.  maybe back than...i am preparing myself a place to escape to...

from enid blyton..to harry potter...to dan brown....i just couldn't get enough.

pick a right novel...according to your mood.... whenever i was feeling sad......i go the potter like genre. i told i i escape to another world whenever..i'm sad

in 2005.... i wrote a novel...well...i tried..to...hehehehe....  i continuously wrote in my PC for around 3 months....i got at least 80 pages down....it was great....... it was about...a teen...from a rich family....in Arkansas..usa.....leaving his home...to go to a college..in Malaysia.....it was...a kindda slice of life thing..mixed with comedic moments...
 the guy..was escaping an arrange marriage set up by his grandparents... and was cut off by his family....

mmm and here is the sad part..kicks in..   my friend..who is a nosy bastard...accidentally...reformatted  my PC without asking me....and deleted the whole.....80 plus pages of the draft....i was one of my saddess day of that year....i almost beat him up...but..instead . i decided that i better...walk away..and avoided him..  i guess... i wont give anyone the satisfaction of hurting me. i still haven't speak to him...till now.

how i wish i could..finish it.....

what is your problem..

what is it that cause most people to be sad....

from my experience 50 percent of the cause of any problem..is money related....20 percent is relationship related... and the rest is about reponsibility and others small matters.... well i might be wrong...but money or lack of it... can lead to a lot of sadness....unless....you changed your mindset like me..

i used to think that money and status  are very important..

when i lived in the capital the living expenses were quite high...with my salary...i was borderline poor..... debt credit card...living expenses causes me too work my butt off...but still..sometimes..i still come out short..therefore increasing my credit card debt...sometimes when i was alone..and my ex wife wasn't looking..i often cried....i felt so helpless

however....

during my divorce... i realize that i dont need money to be happy.. if you demote the important of items and money from your life..you would not be burden so much to make more of it(and it will never be enough)...it will eliminate..the chances of you feeling depress

currently my monthly income is only 20 percent from when i was working in the capital...however..i still managed to live a comfortable life..and it has make me happier..

you just have to eliminate the desire for unnecessary..items..and managed you life as efficient as possible.

family are the most important factor to not be sad...not..money.or status

maintaining your sanity

everyone need a daily maintanence...of your sanity

i have found something that is easy..fun and cheap...to maintain my sanity  it is call the internet.

beside writing in my blog.....

i have found a site that stream free japanese anime.. oh yeah i'm a borderline otoku

well i am not new to this ..i've been watching anime since i was a "kodomo"...

but now..i'm kindda becoming a fanatic.... the first anime that i followed was Full Metal Alchemist....

and i am a huge..huge fan of Bleach......mmevrybody loves naruto and naruto shippudedn..so that is  a no brainer...

i love the ecchi. harem, comedy  genre... here are some of the series that i like....try them...out  maybe  it can change your life....

- high school DXD
-high school of the dead
-motto tu love ru
-zero louise
-is
-is this a zombie
-sekirei
-school rumble
-rosario vs vampire
err..and many more....(too many to list.)

well i'll elaborate on the series..in my later posting

well...i find that watching these anime...is a form of mental therapy for releasing your stress
i'ts funny, its sexy...but not too naughty..and it will take you away from the reality of the world for a while

it is slightly different from watching movies....anime will let your imagination go wild and yet still put a smile on your face. and if you get hooked up like..me....you will be a kid everytime..you watch them...
trust me...the best world to escape to..is the world of our childhood

fight your sadness.....and be a kid everyday

just an irritation

while..typing this entry....i got irritated


dont you just hate the pop up advertisment

i understand that the free website need to make some money with advertising..but nowadays..the pop up are just to extreme..and unethical...  its..irritating

my condo...(was)

it is just a condo......

i bought my first condo in 2001..... it was a small condo...but it has a 24 hours security a pool and a gym... not bad for a 27 year old guy. i stayed there with my first with haza....just the two of us.....i had to take on a lease on some furniture so that it wont look too empty...

me and my cats at mycondo

the view was terrible... as any cheap unit would...it was the KESAs highway...linking Kuala Lumpur to Shah Alam....the common view was the daily traffic jam and the occasional traffic accident.... oh yeah... i could see the national stadium too..from my balcony

it holds a lot of memories there..mostly painful and sadness feel the air...  it wasn't a happy marriage..
and i wasn't around most of the time due to my job. that require me to go outstation almost every week, the price of being in the modern society.... we are slave to our job.

the saddess things was when i prepared the condo..just before i left...  i cleaned the house....packed it nicely... shed a drop of tear...and boom. i was gone

7 years of staying there....made it a part of me... losing something that was yours..is painful. but we have to move on.  make better and brighter memories. try to leave behind our sadness and crawl into the light.

i visit Kuala Lumpur sometimes...and as i drove on Kesas highway..i could see...my old condo and my life back then.....  i gave the condo to my ex wife because....i dont need it and so that the divorce process went smoothly...  that is what guys do. gave the person they had love everything even though....it was precious to them....

good bye my dear condo....u were a good friend to me for 7 years.

living in my house

why am i even here...?

why am i staying at my parents' house.....well i have my reason...and it is not because i'm a mama's boy

i'm the youngest of four siblings... both my parents were teachers.

me with one of my best friend jaha

i actually left home at the age of 13... after elementary school...i was accepted to an all male boarding school. it was actually because of my good result during the federal elementary exams. i didn't even applied to it but because i was the top 100 Malay male student in the country... i was offered a place there. the school was for the ultra elite student...it was the first boarding school build by the british in 1905 and at first it was only for royalty and vip's but  as the years progress they open up their doors to commoners that have great potential. the alumni for the school consist of prime ministers...various ministers...political leader...business tycoon...brilliant scientist...and famous terrorist(there will always be a black sheep..in every community...hehehe)

it was both a blessing and curse at the same time.

after high school..i got accepted to the american degree program under a scholarship and i further my studies in the USA after that....

after graduating... i got a job in the state capital of kuala lumpur..where i stayed there until 2008....

i returned home for two reasons...

the first was..i needed a distraction because i just got divorced with my first wife. i left the condo that i bought, packed my things...and just drove off

the second reason was because my second oldest brother whom i'm very close with passed away due to a sudden heart attack. my late brother was the one who took care of my parents...as both me and my sister are in the capital. and i'm the only male left in the family..(my oldest brother passed away in 1989..i'll write about it later) and it is the duty of the male to take care of their parents.

i have travelled my whole.. life..maybe its about time i returned home..and pay back my dues to my parents.

so i sacrifice myself for my parents..as they have sacrifice themself for us...bringing us up
by the way...i have seen everything that i need to see....i guess it is enough for me already

that is why i'm here.....

distraction

what is a distraction......?

people always associate the word with something negative.... well to me it has a bigger meaning.
distraction is a necessary form of escapism.. that we human need to keep our self  from going insane. everybody has their own for of distraction.....no matter how stupid it is...it is your own thing.. dont let anybody else stop you from practising it(although taking advise from a friend is..also encourage)

what is mine...

well it depends on the my level of sadness... sometimes just wondering around aimlessly at the lake would be enough..or just talking about my problem to my cats...(which doesn't talk back..or charge me 100 bucks an hour) will..keep me from going nuts

sometimes...i need to escape by doing physical labor...when you are tired your brain will automatically which to recovery mode therefore distracting the brains from the unnecessary sadness. some people goes to the gym..some play futsal...hey whatever works on you...just do it

dont ever..resort to drug an alcolhol...it will relief you temporarily but...amplified the problems..in later stage

if you have someone you trust  and can talk to him or her..please to ...sharing the sadness will help you recover quickly, however, i tend to settle things on my own..as in my opinion...other people will have their own problem..and it would burden them even more if you share it with them

because, i have i lot of sadness...

i have a dark side to relief my extreme sadness.... i go out and pick a fight with a stranger
i know it is weird...but i dont drink or do drugs...but i know how to handle myself..  being raised by a family that consist of 3 tough guys(my late dad and my late brothers) it is not hard to become a manly man..

i'm not the strongest..but i can fight smart..and i have a high tolerant to pain that is why my became a good street fighter, however.this dark side that i have is totally a secret. not even my closest friends. knows about it. i just do it if i reached my limit in being sad...

it is not hard.. to find an asshole to pick a fight with...there are a lot of them out there...some of them...think there are a badass...just because them watch a few stallone's movies.... some are just show off. i never feel bad..picking a fight with them...

my favourite kind of assholes...are the one who is a bully... i could never tolerate someone who oppressed a weaker person.

i dont recommend this type of "therapy" to anyone else that is why i keep it a secret....but so far after a good fight...  i tend to keep my sanity secure

degree of sadness

i have a theory of the levels of sadness

i have been through a lot.....and from my experience you can feel sadness if you lost something or someone precious to you

the first level of sadness only touches your feeling slightly...not enough to trigger a drop of tear.. sometimes the feeling wasn't even registered by your brain as sadness. it may last a few minutes....then..it is gone.  memory like this can't even be recalled after a few days.

the second level of sadness is where a person..stay quiet and feel down for sometimes...it may lead to a few drop of tears but.. this feeling can be easily erased by a distraction. still in my opinion the memory will only last a few days

the third level is the tear jerker.. where you feel so sad that it makes you cry.. however...it is still can be erased by a good distraction...but the memory will last a long time.

the forth level and most dangerous.. is where a person is so sad that he or she will keep quiet and often avoid other for a period of time...and this sadness can last a long time...sometimes a person completely shutdown and doesn't even cry.. bottling the emotion.. which will explode later in life.. usually experience like this will changed a person..and leave a permanent scar in his memory.


so... how do you deal with your emotion will determine your level of intelligent and maturity.

because i have experience so much....i have my own way to control my level of sadness...i have my own level of distraction.

just a tip....keep a pet...i'm a cat person...so.i keep 5 of them...and they sure can help you reduce your sadness

i'll post some  of my distraction tips...next time...

where i am...

currently i'm living..at my parents' house in a very small town call Taiping,perak

i wasn't born here....but i was raised here...since i was 3 years old.  it is a very nice and peaceful town ..thats where the name of the town came from..."tai..ping"..i was told..it was a Chinese word meaning peace forever or something like that. Apparently around 100 years ago the area was rich with "cassirite" aka tin, so the british moved in and yup....mined it  as it was their own. well they imported workers from china, therefore..making Taiping to have a big Chinese population. Well if you watch a lot of Kung fu movie..you would probably noticed that the chinese people have a tradition of being affiliated with.."foundation a.k.a society a.k.a group a.k.a gang" So.. not to stereotype the Chinese....but..like all the greedy people in the world.... they tend to have a huge quarrel regarding territory... and small war broke of in the area.... i have always imagine those guys back then fighting amongst themselves like in the old jackie chan's movie...using kung fu and shaolin style....hehehehehehe

well it ended with a peace treaty..and they renamed the are taiping(peace forever)

well  let me elaborate more on taiping..

because. everybody wants a piece of taiping...the British build a lot of infrastructure... our town have the first train station...(1885) in the country, linking the mine to the port...oh yes..we have a small port...the first English school, the first clock tower, the first zoo, the first jailhouse, the first...of...errr i cant remember everything....but there are like 50 first things..in my town

the town also has one of the most beautiful man made lake in the country.... if you happen to visit taiping..please drive around there... i promise you wont be sorry.. 

and another unique thing about my town..is that it is the wettest place in the country....if the "cullen family" decided to come to Malaysia..i'm sure they will pick out a place in taiping

why...

i'm writing this blog to release some stress. i read about writing your "black moment" in life is a form of self therapy...similar to shouting on mountain top. get everything off your chest...

i dont really need someone to read it.. i just want to "transfer the sadness" somewhere else.

this is actually my second attempt at blogging...i had a blog once....and was actively writing in it for about 2 years. it was my own personal diary.....it was great..until...i let my ex girlfriend...(the girl from hell) read it....

meet the bitch

after a few weeks...she got jealous of my past(which doesnt involved her).. then she start..this weird comment...and  became a critic......and after she officially became my stalker, i had to brake up with her. The first reason was because..she is actually crazy...and the second reason was she is actually seeing another guy..which she had told me..she had broken off with..

and the sad thing is, the bitch..did something to my blog and it got block by the admin....

never trust a girl who lies...

p.s..  she is a sex maniac and great in bed..(the only upside of the relationship)

the sad sad man

now....

i'm 38 year old man....currently in the process of my second divorce...
i married my college sweetheart in my first marriage. it lasted almost 7 years....i was great for the first two...but after that....err it  was like a really bad B grade horror flick.... you cant leave  because you already paid  for  the  ticket...you just have to wait  for the ending. so when the ending came..everyone was glad to leave

well..my current marriage.. is in its second year..and its about to end soon.

i know most people blame the man for every failure to a marriage but both my wife left me for unreasonable reason... maybe i'll write about them in my later entry.

the beginning

what  and  where is  the beginning of  our  lives.

for me.... my  life started with  my  first  memory..... believe it or  not....it  was when i  was 1 year old.
" my mom was holding me ..and i was crying...i was in a lot of pain.. we are waiting for my dad at the road side...oh yeah...and  my mother  was  crying too.
i still can remember my dad's green ford cortina..stopping abruptly and  my dad rush to us. after  that it all when blank".. later..i learnt that i accidentally pulled the hot iron that my mom was using to iron the clothes and it landed on my right hand. my mom didn't notice it until around 15 minutes later. the flesh on my right knuckle was essentially cooked....and the scarring remains until now.

its funny how my first memory was a really painful experience maybe it was set to be the foundation of my life.